national breastfeeding week and other thoughts on how you don't always have to do things the same way.

So it's National Breastfeeding Week, and I've seen lots of cool photos and posts in various places on the Internet this week. All week I've had these interesting thoughts rolling around inside my head about how things in life change and how you don't always have to do things the same way as you've always done them.

Case in point, parenting a foster baby versus parenting our biological babies.  We co-slept and breastfed our babies, so that's what our experience with babies had been.  We obviously knew when we were being licensed for foster care that things would be different.  In January, when Little Guy came along, we became newbies in a lot of ways. Obviously you can't breastfeed foster babies, and you can't have foster children sleep in your bed, so although a lot of having a baby around again came back easily, there was a lot that was brand new to us.

In the early weeks, this seemed so vastly different from what we were accustomed to.  But somewhere in the past six months, I realized it feels completely normal to be washing & sterilizing bottles and serving up formula to a sweet little baby. I still hold him in my arms in the position my biological babies were in when I nursed them, and he still gazes up into my eyes the way they used to. But there's a bottle in my hand instead of a baby at my breast. 

Never mind that silly look on my face there. ;)

I remember how intensely I felt about breastfeeding at the beginning of my mothering journey.  It was something I really wanted to try, but I wasn't sure if it would work out.  After all, both my mom and Matt's mom had tried breastfeeding with us, and it didn't really work out. 

The three of us at the beginning of this parenting adventure.

I'm a reader at heart, so when I want to know more about something, I read about it. I went into motherhood having read in depth any breastfeeding book I could get my hands on, hoping that my experience with breastfeeding might just work.  And I was over the moon excited when it did! I cringe a bit when I think back on it, because I'm sure in my enthusiasm I must have hurt some people's feelings without intending to.  I now realize a couple of things.  One, I can be a bit intense when I'm really into something.  And two, you actually do a lot of growing up once you're an adult, and you can kind of roll your eyes in later decades at the younger you.  (At least I know I do about younger me.)

Anyway, in my overzealous mind, formula was akin to the devil, at least in relation to MY baby.  I was a full-time working mom for most of David's first year, and I was bound & determined that a drop of formula was not going to pass through his lips.  I brought my breast pump to work and used my coffee and lunch breaks to provide nourishment for him.  I remember being so glad that although I couldn't be with him during the day, at least I was doing something that nobody else could do for him.  (Maybe that was it more than the disdain for formula, I don't know.)

Fast forward ten and a half years to when Naomi was 2 months old and I was diagnosed with a brain tumor. I had to have an MRI with contrast, so for two days, I had to pump and dump my milk.  So the decison had been made: Naomi had to have formula.  Honestly, in light of the situation, we didn't even care... it was the least of our concerns at that point. There was a tumor in my brain. So Matt & I went to the store and stared blankly at the huge selection of formulas, laughing at ourselves.  There we were, with our sixth baby, feeling just like brand-new parents in trying to figure out which formula to buy.  

She was such a good sport about suddenly being bottle fed that day, having never had a bottle before.

So formula became our friend during the time when I had to have my brain surgery, because we were apart from each other for nearly a week, and I was on some pretty good drugs besides.  I was able to get back to 100% breastfeeding within a short time of the surgery, but formula was so handy as a backup for times in the church nursery or when we went out without Naomi.

So I just think it's funny celebrating National Breastfeeding Week in light of my history with breastfeeding and the current situation.

My title mentioned other thoughts on not always doing things the way you've always done them.  And it's not just in reference to breastfeeding or formula feeding.  Or cribs, although my perspective has changed from wryly thinking of them as cages of sorts, to a safe place for baby to lie down without falling.

This week, as I began preparing for our upcoming homeschool year, there were some things I wanted to add to our usual school routine.  In telling the kids about it, I overwhelmed them a bit more than I expected (maybe that intensity I mentioned previously, perhaps?). I started looking online at charter schools in our city, and for the rest of that day, we started contemplating not homeschooling. I made myself a pros and cons list and at dinnertime, we talked about it. The kids all kind of liked the idea in some ways, but overall they really preferred to stay at home and do school. And I was okay with either way... if they wanted to go to charter school, I knew it would be weird, but I was okay with it. And I'm still good with homeschooling. I enjoy having the kids around, I love learning new things with them, and although there is a huge commitment on my part, it's really all I know as a mom in relation to school and my kids.

But again, just because it's all we've known doesn't make it the only good way to do things.  Who knows? Maybe one day we will stop homeschooling.  Or we may have a foster placement who is school-aged and will be immediately thrust into the role of public school parent. Which I imagine would be quite amusing, much like the two of us trying to figure out formula brands and all that.

I just think it's good to remember that although sometimes we think we've got things figured out, it may not be for the rest of our lives. It might be for a time in our lives, or for certain circumstances. I think getting older is really cool like that because you realize things you didn't before, and I really think it's true that you never stop learning.  

I do have to admit, feeding a hungry baby while wearing them is harder with a bottle.

early january ramblings.

Lots of thoughts tumbling around in my head these days.  

For four weeks, we had David & Marissa here over Christmas break.  It was a good Christmas-New Year's-Marissa's birthday season, a blend of hectic, relaxing, slow, everything being different. They flew out early Saturday morning and as usual, we felt really sad the first day (Naomi & I both cried that day), and then things felt pretty normal within a couple of days.  Joshua pointed out the day before they left how weird that is, that when they're here it seems so normal, and that he hates how normal it seems when they leave again.

Before I go on, we must pause a moment for some photos from our Christmas break.

A height and age order photo in downtown Phoenix. It won't be long before Joshua is taller than Marissa, methinks. ;)

Dinner on Christmas Eve with a friend of David & Marissa's from Brasil who was here for two days.

This was our ninth year doing luminarias on Christmas Eve.  It also marked the twentieth anniversary of the Christmas Eve when Matt's mom went to bed and awoke in heaven.  We do these mostly in honor of her, since she loved so much to put out luminarias in her Sun City West neighborhood on Christmas Eve.

It was eleven years ago that our kids came up with the idea of sleeping by the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve.  They don't miss a year, and it's fun to have David & Marissa home to be a part of this tradition they created.  I know it may not be long before we aren't all together for Christmas Eve, so I treasure very much these family moments. :)

It was a beautiful day for a hike when the kids and I drove out to the White Tanks Regional Park.  I think it was about two to three miles we hiked that day. It felt so great to be out-of-doors.  :)

Marissa & me on the hike. :)

Some of the beautiful Sonoran plant life I have grown to love so much.

Marissa's birthday, January 1, happened to be on First Friday this year, so we went to downtown Phoenix to explore... art galleries, music, and a coffee shop (in a house) to get Marissa some coffee.

Ah, she is 19 this year.  How is this possible?  So, so glad that God blessed our lives by making her.  I am so glad to be her mom & miss her so when she's not here, even as I thoroughly enjoy the fact that she is on her own at college, heading towards the place God has for her future.

Last Wednesday the kids' programs started back up at church, so after we dropped the kids off, we took David & Marissa out to the Village Inn restaurant.  It was free pie Wednesday, so we all got coffee and had a slice of pie. 

I love her. :)

Back to the idea of "normal."  What that looks like around here is really going to change again pretty soon...

It's been 5 weeks since we had our safety inspection for foster care.  We turned in all the rest of the needed paperwork and it's been eight days since our agency submitted the complete home study to the appropriate state department.  We've been told they usually take about 3 weeks to process but it could take longer because people are just coming back from the holidays.  And so now all we do is wait.

In the meantime, I've been collecting a few things for future placements.  Gotta love Goodwill, Craig's List, friends and a couple random items at our Beach House. 

Here's what we have so far: 
infant car seat
bottles
Baby Bjorn carrier
Kelty backpack
stroller
pack 'n play
crib
crib sheets & blanket
box of boy clothes up to about size 2

It's not much, but until we get a placement, it's a little hard to prepare since we don't know the age, size, gender, etc.

Waiting on our license to be issued is a little nerve-wracking for me as far as timing goes, because I have an art fair coming up a week from this Friday (Jan 22-24).  We've been told that because the need is so huge here that most people get a call with their first placement within hours of being licensed.

What I'm realizing is that I just can't worry about what would happen if we get a call the day before my art fair and have to say no. God's got this all figured out and he already knows which little person is going to be living here. And He knows about the art fair, too. 

I think at the beginning of a new year, the tendency is to think about goals and what you'd like to do differently, turn over a fresh leaf, that sort of thing. I definitely have things I'd like to improve upon personally for this new year.  A lot of bloggers like to choose a word for the year. As for me, I look at this year and the fact that we're about to be licensed for foster care, and can't begin to know what word might fit. I'm sure our lives are about to be rocked, both from all the headaches that can come from working with the foster care system and just plain from having a baby or toddler in the house after such a long time without littles around. 

So I'm just going to see what God has in store for us this year.  I'm sure there's a word I could come up with for that, like Trust or something, but I'm gonna just let God carry us and see where we end up.

foster care.

I never thought of myself as a foster mom.  I had always wanted to be a mom, though, and when the time came, I really loved it (and I still do).  I loved being pregnant, loved the baby stage, even with all of the demanding, labor-intensiveness of it.  When Naomi was born, I always thought we would be having more babies. It never happened, but we always had room in our hearts for more.

So randomly about a year & a half ago, I said to Matt one evening when we were on a date, "I have a crazy idea.  We could do foster care."  (He's usually the one with crazy ideas, so it's always kind of fun when I come up with something he might think is crazy.)  Matt said something in his laid-back way about it, like maybe we could. 

A few days later, we visited another church in our town on a Saturday night just for fun.  During the service, they played a video about their foster care initiative, a way to get the church involved in the huge need in Arizona.  (I can't remember if this was the video, but it was one like this... also, the numbers they mention in the video are much higher now. Shockingly higher.)

Matt & I looked at each other like, "Whaaat?"  It was too weird that this was right after we had just been talking about foster care.  Kind of like it was a God thing.  We attended an informational meeting a week later at that church and scheduled ourselves to go to a foster care orientation session.

But then we realized the timing wasn't right for us right then.  Marissa was finishing up her last weeks in homeschool, and a few months later would be going 2200 miles away for college.  It just didn't seem right to spend those last few months with her at home working on getting licensed for foster care.  So we put it on the shelf.

 
And on the shelf it stayed.  Until late this summer.

Our family went to a Defund Planned Parenthood rally in a nearby city on August 22.  As Matt maneuvered the car to find a good parking place, we drove past several protesters holding signs about saving the unborn babies.  

All of a sudden, I felt this intense feeling deep inside me push right up and I began weeping.  Audibly weeping.  This is not something normal for me.  Matt looked at me and I just blubbered something about the babies.  I have never experienced something like that before and I still can't really explain it. 

We walked past this young woman on our way to find a place to stand at the rally we were a part of.  (Photo credit: AZ Policy.)

Later I was saying it's good to protest abortion and selling baby parts, but it just didn't seem like enough.  Like there must be something more.





A few weeks later, on September 11, a foster mom I follow on Instagram posted this photo.

Her words were intense and a little in your face.  But that was all I needed.  My heart exploded... all those babies without a home to be in.  And us just sitting here not pursuing foster care.  Ugh. 

I showed the photo and caption to Matt, and less than a week later, we had attended a foster care orientation meeting at a local church and had a packet of information.  The next step was choosing an agency from the list of 29 local foster care agencies. So we pored over the information and I started calling several of the six faith-based agencies. 

There were two or three agencies that sounded promising. We ended up choosing a new agency that has only been approved to license foster homes since this July.  It was founded by a Christian couple who have a lot of personal experience with foster care and adoption, and they are really great.  The wife came over and met us and took a quick walk-through of our house.  She shared their story and how God led them to start the agency, and we shared our testimonies of God's work in our lives.  After reading through their statement of faith, we signed on with their agency and she gave us a TON of paperwork to fill out.

We submitted our application to her the next week, along with our fingerprint cards and some other paperwork about our family.  We're told the fingerprint/background check is what we'll be waiting for after everything else is submitted.  She requested our safety inspection right at the start, since it takes about 6 weeks to get it scheduled.  We have a couple house projects to finish up and several things to do before we're ready for that (here's the booklet explaining in great detail what we need to do to have our home ready).  Let's just say it's good that we have that long to get ready. ;) 

So that brings us to where we are today.  By the end of this week, we will have been through 21 of the required 30 hours of PS-MAPP training.  (I know you're wondering.  PS-MAPP stands for Permanence and Safety: Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting.) This is a state-mandated training for all foster and adoptive parents.  We are really enjoying the training put on by our agency.  They are doing a great job teaching the materials, and there are a lot of hands-on group activities that help the concepts sink in a bit more.  There are only six couples in our class, which is a nice size for being a part of the discussion.  We really like the other people in our class; there's a lot of cultural diversity, some kinship foster families who are already caring for their children, and just a lot of really good discussion that happens in our class.  It's really good.

Oh, yes.  Homework. Lots of it for our PS-MAPP class.

So that's the story of how we came to this place.  This month has really felt like it's been on fast forward, and it makes sense when you think that it was only four weeks ago that we called the agency to set up our first meeting. It will take at least 2-3 months before we get our license and then our first placement.  So it's going to be a while yet.  But there's our story. :)

the truth about homeschooling.

The title of this post sounds really epic, like I'm about to say something really profound. Truth is, I'm just trying to be real.

The other day when I posted our first day of school photos, it seemed like a good time to say something about our curriculum and what we do for school.  But I'm afraid when I do that, sometimes it comes across all wrong.

A first day of school photo that didn't make its way here before today. Just so you know, Naomi may look studious here, but she was just drawing in a notebook.

So I am here today to say that homeschooling is hard. It's a full-time job that never really feels done. Maybe I look calm & confident, but sometimes I lie awake at night hashing things over in my mind. I'm constantly evaluating and judging myself and coming up feeling inadequate. 

I don't really talk about these feelings (except with Matt) because it doesn't feel safe. I think most moms struggle with some of these feelings in regard to parenting in general.  But when you're also the teacher, it's magnified because there is an underlying fear that everybody is watching to make sure you're getting it right.  And so I don't talk about it.

I must admit that I have more confidence now because I'm on the other side with our two oldest kids. I have the advantage of having seen them do well on the ACT, finish homeschool and get into college. They're doing well and although I know I didn't have it all figured out in their homeschool years, they are holding their own out there in the world.

It's hard work and at times I feel very inadequate, but it is working.   I am thankful for the freedom to teach my own kids... and it does work for our family, even with the ebb & flow of emotions that come along with it.

Please know that I would be the first to tell you I don't have it all together. I'm not over here in my house judging the moms whose kids go to school or whose grown kids went to school. You're good moms, with your own stories, making the choices that work best for you and the family God has blessed you with. Being a mom is a tough job and I respect you.

Oh, yeah, this is us.  We've got it *allll* together... ;)

lent.

I have never been a part of a church that celebrates the Lent season, but we know a lot of people who do, and a number of years ago I gave up sweets during Lent.  It was a good experience, and so this year, feeling the need for some discipline in my life, I decided it might be time to give up something for Lent again.  The first thing I thought of was sweets, and then I thought I'd give up Facebook as well. 

I can't tell you how great it was to give up Facebook!  I'm not saying Facebook is inherently bad or that everybody should give it up, but for me, it was perfect.  I needed to de-clutter my mind of all the articles and opinions I was reading.  I found myself agitated by all of it, and I have to say the time away has been so, so good for me.  I spent a bit of time on Easter checking out Facebook and decided (at least for now) that I prefer being away from it.  (Matt lets me know if there's something important on FB I should know about.)  

**As it turns out, this week we had some Facebook-worthy news (see next post) which means I've been on FB the past couple of days.**
It was really good to give up the sweets for several weeks, too.  I just felt like I had no self-control when it came to sweets.  Giving them up from time to time kind of "resets" my consumption of sweets, so that when I begin eating them again, I evaluate something before eating it.  Is this something I really want to eat, or am I just eating it because it's here?  I lost a few pounds, nothing huge but enough to notice a slight difference in how things fit.  So that was good.

The cupcake bouquet I made for our church's dessert auction. It brought in some money to help send the kids to Bible camp this summer. :)

And it just so happened that during this time of Lent, I also gave up caffeine.  It really just happened while I had a respiratory illness and was drinking a lot of tea.  I weaned myself down to tea, then to decaf tea and before I knew it, I realized I was caffeine-free without having experienced any withdrawal headaches.  It was a pretty painless way to do it, actually.  I think it will help with the hormonal changes I've been experiencing lately.

Such a lovely family selfie on Easter Sunday.

Also during Lent, I gave myself dreadlocks.  I hadn't planned on doing this during Lent, but it's something that had lurked in the back of my mind for a number of years and I just decided to go for it.   But I already wrote about that so I needn't say more now. 

i did something crazy & unexpected.

I got dreadlocks!  Or, rather, I started them.  It takes a while for them to "lock", so in the meantime I guess what I actually have are baby dreads.  (Otherwise known as a somewhat fuzzy mess while they start to do their thing.)

Before I get to the details, photos, and stuff like that, I'm sure there are some questions on everyone's mind.  So I'll just address those first.

Question #1: Do you wash your dreads?
Answer: Yes.  Greasy hair doesn't knot up & lock, so clean hair is super important.  You just don't wash them as often (like every few days instead of every day).  And you have to use non-residue shampoos, because regular shampoos leave gunk inside the dreads, which can lead to mold.  Which is bad (obviously).  I personally have been using a baking soda/apple cider vinegar hair washing method for a few years, and this works well with dreads, too.

Question #2: Won't you have to shave your head if you get tired of your dreads?
Answer: No.  This was actually key in me making the decision to go for it.  You can actually comb out dreads, even ones that are years old.  It's not a quick process and it's not easy, but you can do it.  

Question #3: WHY?  Why in the world would you want to wear dreads?  
Answer: I actually like dreadlocks.  I can't tell you exactly when I started liking them.  I guess maybe at first they had some sort of social stigma attached to them, but I can't really remember for sure.  My son's girlfriend got dreads a year & a half ago, and it's nice to know somebody who actually has dreads.  Maybe sort of normalized them for me?  I was a little afraid to have dreads because they're so different in the social circles I run in.  And I didn't want to seem like I was copying David's girlfriend.  Like I was having a mid-life crisis and trying to be 18 again.  

But I finally figured it didn't matter what other people thought, if I wanted to go for it, as long as Matt liked it.  (I like him to like the way my hair is.)  I have always been super conservative on how I've worn my hair, and I wanted to do something different.  Maybe part of wanting to have dreads was the unexpectedness of it. 

But Matt said it really isn't that big of a stretch.  And I guess he's right.  I do or have done a lot of more "natural" things like childbirth without drugs, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, babywearing, making bread, that sort of thing.  I really am more than just a little bit "crunchy-granola" already.  ;)

Okay.  Now on to the photos.  I started dreading my hair on February 24 and finished late on the 25th.  Keep in mind, we were doing school while working on my hair (reading as I used my hands to form the dreads).  It was slightly distracting. :)

Naomi was my dread sectioner.  Here's the first section so I could see if it was what I wanted.

Getting ready to twist & rip my first dreadlock.

The first two.  They look kind of like braids at first.  The method I used is called "twist & rip", which is twisting and then opening up the hair strand and pulling it back and twisting again.  See the book we were reading for school in my lap there?

First row done.

A couple rows in.

This is how I went to bed the first night.  I braided the hairs on the top of my head so they wouldn't fall down onto the finished dreads. 

Day two.  I really couldn't have done this without Naomi's help. :)

Sectioning off more dreads.

In progress.  I had enough dreads done by this time that I had to band them together to keep them out of the one I was working on.

Starting to get close to the end.

Another shot.

Moved upstairs to our bathroom so I could see better once I got to the ones fringing my face.

Almost done.

First selfie with the dreading done. :)

I had Naomi take this photo the next day so I could see the back of my head.

Pretty pleased with the way they look, the day after. :)

My dreads, a week old, pulled back into a ponytail.

And a sunny camping selfie, with my 1 1/2 week old dreads.

So there you have it.  I am liking the dreads so far.  And so far the reactions have been pretty good.  I'm glad I just went for it instead of letting that keep me from doing something I really wanted to try. :)

so. many. hats.

Wife. Mom. Teacher. Chef. Laundress. Housekeeper. Bill Payer. Vacation Rental Manager. Artist. (etc.)

I've tried before to write this post.  But every time, I've been afraid it sounds like complaining and haven't hit the "publish" button.  In fact, today as I started out, I found a draft from five years ago about the stages of motherhood and how many "hats" I wear. Too weird.

So my aim today is to write this with a grateful heart.  Because I really am thankful to be in this place and this time in my life.  

I am so, so happy to be at home with my kids.  I love homeschooling them.  It's not always easy, it has its challenges and I've cried many tears over this whole adventure, but I can't imagine doing this any other way.  It's a good fit for our family.  (I get it, that it's not for everybody.  So please, please don't feel I'm judging anybody when I say how much I love homeschooling my own kids.)

Some days, I feel super organized, like "we can do this!" and then the next day, I wonder how in the world I can do any of the things I'm supposed to do right.  Getting back into school after our long Christmas break this year has been (is) hard.  Time management has been a real struggle.  So on Tuesday when we got started at a decent time, I felt great.  It was one of those "we can do this!" days.  Yesterday, however, I was beginning to feel the weight of my failed responsibilities.

So, late in the afternoon I just told myself that it's not realistic to live with that pressure.  And I did what I needed to do with the time left in the day.  I was chef and 5th grade teacher.  Never mind that it was our day to do exercises and go for a walk.  Never mind that I was very much wanting to finish a painting that's sitting on my easel.  Those things would just have to wait.

And it was good. I managed to help Naomi work through her math and her sentence diagramming while cooking a delicious, healthy meal. 

I am not perfect, I won't ever be able to get it all done, but God is good.  He gives me the strength to do the most important things and the ability to recognize that not every day is going to go according to plan.

I am so glad that my worth isn't based on whether or not I can truly fulfill the full definition of any of my individual roles. Thank you, God! :)

thoughts and goals for 2015.

Just a few goals for the new year...

• Get back into cooking mostly low-fat, whole plant-based foods again.
• Be more active with the kids... go on walks and bike rides, do exercises to target specific areas of the body. 
• Read through the Bible.  I've done this the last three years, so it's a realistic goal.
• Do more paintings.  Don't worry about selling paintings so much as just making more of them.

There are other things I could list, but these are the ones I've been thinking about the most. 

random thoughts about blogging and the year 2014. (you know, since it ended eight days ago and all.)

~I actually wrote this post over the last two days of 2014.  I just didn't hit "publish" until today, after another edit and I decided it was ready. ;)

I don't know how many times I've sat here, ready to post something but just couldn't think what to write.  It seems that my blog has become less of a priority lately, and I was contemplating saying something of the sort and announcing a hiatus from writing.

But then I looked at some old posts and now I'm not so sure.

In any case, what I also meant to do today is to just highlight some of the stuff that's been going on in my mind this year.  Stuff I haven't really felt like writing a post about.  It may look a bit random, but I guess that's how life is.

I feel pretty good at the end of this year, that God has me in a good place mentally and emotionally.  Last year at this time, I was feeling really raw and not so excited about doing a recap.  It was mostly because I had some unrealistic expectations about my art business and art fairs and was in the midst of an emotional rethinking about the whole thing.  I know it sounds pretty silly here as I write it out, but that's the truth.

My (very wise, I might add) husband suggested that I not worry about what would sell and just paint what I wanted to paint.  When it came down to it, I wasn't feeling it for most of the year.  I just couldn't make myself produce much art, but I did a lot of reading about running an art business.  At the end of the year, where am I?  Well, I'm on board with what Matt was saying a year ago.  Paint what I feel like painting, and paint a lot.  So that's the game plan for 2015, and we'll see where it takes me as far as making some money at it goes.

Between January and July this year, I gained back 10 pounds that I had lost when we went almost completely plant-based in the fall of 2011.  I didn't realize how much I had tied my self-worth into weighing a bit less and how much pride I had in that.  (It's pretty ugly to admit, but that's the truth of it.)  Matt has been ever so encouraging about my appearance, didn't really notice anything and thinks I'm just as attractive as before.  A few months ago, I found a cool simulator on Pinterest, and entered in my current weight and my former weight, along with height, hair color, etc. to make it look kind of like me.  When I saw the comparison of the two images generated on that website, there wasn't a whole lot of difference and it got me to thinking some more about body image and self worth. 

We hosted a small group Bible study at our home in August/September on a book that Matt had gone through in our Campus Crusade for Christ years, called The Search for Significance.  Let me just say that it is *awesome* and I highly recommend it!  We plan to do another small group series on it soon, because it's just that good.  The book is about how our significance comes from what Christ did for us on the cross, not through all the lies we tell ourselves and that society puts onto us.  That study really helped me a lot with looking at myself with a healthier perspective.

I've been thinking a lot, too, about stages of life.  I guess that's sort of normal when you have another child graduate and go off to college.  The weird thing is that I remember so clearly how it felt being the kid leaving home, like it wasn't that long ago, and it's just so interesting to me to experience this from the parental standpoint.  I never thought about that when I was the one leaving home, that parents have questions and are going through a new phase in life, too.  I find myself wondering things like, how often are you supposed to call/text/write/etc. your college student?  Am I encouraging them enough?  Am I giving them too much space?  Also, what is appropriate as far as Facebook friending your kids' friends that you haven't actually met?  That sort of thing. 

And then there's the hormonal changes that happen to a woman when she gets to be in this stage of life.  This just isn't something women really talk about much.  I mean, we all know menopause is coming eventually, but it takes a long time to get there and it's quite a rocky road.  I cannot believe the chaos that my emotions are sometimes!  Earlier this year, I remember likening it to going through puberty.  It is really, really weird, and I am thankful to have a husband who at least understands that even I don't understand what's going on sometimes.  Thankfully it's not all the time, and we are learning some patterns in the chaos. ;)

Something else I've thought about this year regards the size of our family.  I'd never really felt "done" when Naomi was born, and always thought we'd have more kids.  Starting about six years ago, Matt & I have been totally open to having another child.  At the time I very much wanted another baby and hated the fact that it wasn't happening.  Lately, though, I feel like I've finally come to a healthier perspective on it, and I am totally relaxed either way.  

We've had a very challenging last half of the year with our dogs. Our dog Zoe had always been somewhat socially "off" when it came to strange dogs. But in July, she began to turn her aggression toward our other dog, Rue. After trying a lot of things and several increasingly worse attacks since July, it became clear that she was potentially dangerous to humans, so we had her put down two weeks ago. We feel a huge sense of relief to have the tension removed, but of course we miss the nice times with her. I must add that it really is much more peaceful here now. 

We just had a really nice Christmas with David & Marissa, as well as David's girlfriend, who all flew in from Michigan.  It was so, so good to have them all here! :)  Marissa is still here until just before the semester starts at NMU. :)  It was a good Christmas, although the flu has made its rounds here--and I was the one who started the whole thing.  I felt so bad because I just knew I was going to end up sharing the germs, and there wasn't anything I could do to stop it. :(  But we're all doing lots better and looking forward to celebrating the new year and Marissa's 18th birthday.  Yay! :)

So there are my thoughts at the end of this year.  I'll post some thoughts I'm having on the start of the new year.  And we'll see what happens with this blog in 2015, too.

Happy and Blessed New Year to you & yours! :)

keeping our fears inside. (day 8, write31days)

I do a lot of deep, introspective thinking in the shower.  One time when I said something to the kids about an idea I had in the shower, they thought that was weird.  Somebody tell me I'm not the only one to think deep thoughts in the shower. Anyway, back to those thoughts I was thinking yesterday. 

I think sometimes we as homeschooling moms are afraid to talk about our shortcomings or the things that worry us about homeschooling, like "am I teaching my kids all they need to know?", "ugh, I'm not very good at teaching science," "oh, man, do I waste a lot of time," that sort of thing.  I think the reason we don't want to talk about our inadequacies and fears is because we feel like everyone is watching us, keeping an eye on us and making sure we're living up to whatever expectations people have for our kids' educations.  Whether it's neighbors, relatives, people at church, I think we're a bit afraid to open up too much because then people will think we're not doing it good enough.  

And so doing a 31-day writing challenge about our not-so-perfect homeschooling family is a little scary for me.  The other day I wrote about how late it was getting in the day, and I thought the boys were doing math and Naomi was sleeping on the couch.  But the truth is, I know they're learning enough and we always get caught up when they're sick (as Naomi was for two days this week).  

After keeping at it as long as I have, I now have the added benefit of knowing that my first two students made it all the way through high school, scored well on the ACT and got into college.  And they're doing well in college, too, which can't help but reassure this homeschooling mom.

So that's encouragement to me in the place where I am with the younger kids, to know that they will be okay even if we miss something.  I read somewhere recently that we all have holes, including those of us who were educated in the system.  It's just how it works.  The really cool thing is that we all can read and learn and fill in those holes in our own education as we continue to grow and learn as adults.  Education doesn't stop when you earn your diploma or degree.  For that I'm really glad. :)